I promise.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Tired

Before I start going on a crapping frenzy, I would like the wish everyone a very Happy Lunar New Year. Though mine wasn't as fantastic. Kinda of expected anyway. This was because I was rushing for a series of events up ahead. The atmosphere and mood was not there. My mind seems so occupied, however I was unable to identify the problem. Eveything seemed wrong. Every action made. I am really getting very tired. Probably on the verge of heading back to some stupid "hobbies" of the past. I am just so so tired.

Work- This stupid new army life is really getting on my nerves. So much to do. It really irritates me when people say that i am leading a really slack army life. They are just so wrong. Lets talk a little about my job. I am currently working under NS call-up section. I have to create nominal roles for 20,000++ people and when they come back for reservist i have to wake up very very early in the morning. The past few days i hardly had 4 hours of sleep. Eg, today i woke up at 340am just to report for work. Nope, i dun get to go home earlier, i have to stay back. When these NSmen leave their ICT(in camp trainings) I once again have to travel back to their camps to out- process them. By then, I would most probably leave for home at around 8pm. Other then my job nature, I have a very "nice" boss. Why? Thats because I have been thrown work last minute. In the end, I have to stay back and "enjoy" the loneliness and isolation in this god forsaken land. Enough of this... I am so tired!

Feelings & Relationships- Recently, things haven't been smooth sailing. Other then having a rather healthy with my family, the water around me seems to be cooling. You may think that I am just being really paranoid, but I feel the distance. I tried hard to make things work. I am practically on my knees. However, whatever that has been done isn't enough. I have always wondered, will any/every realtionship last forever? Be it friendship or someting else. Is it very important for one to "renew" their love for each other by telling them how much you love them everyday? Does actions speak louder than words no more? I can really relate to one of Jay Chou's songs - Kai Bu Liao Kou. Have you ever wanted to say something so much but back off in the end for the fear of failure? Well, I have. Thats my weakness. Something which may cost the future dearly. I have been really bothered about this and have been seeking people for help. The throbbing pain in my head makes it worse. However, I still chickened out for the fear of going through the past once more. Perhaps my solution would be feeling in a distance. I'm afraid...so so afraid...I'm tired...so so tired.

-I guess the best isn't good enough-
PLS give me strength

I promise. 4:59 AM.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Army week 2

19th DEC - 24th DEC
(Day 9 - Day 14)

The 2nd week seem to pass pretty fast. You just have to go through the daily routines. You need not rack your brains and decide what to do or where to go(eg..Should I go Orchard later? Who should I call?). It is all set and placed in front of you. Not much choices i being given to a recruit. Which also means, not much freedom. Every action is already pre-determined. However, the fate of these recruits are not left to the hands of God but rather the hands of our superiors. The constant torture and torment. The ever familiat words of "You are not SHAG!" triggers every other second when you are moaning in pain and feel that you are about to give up. It does help to push you forward for you fear for something much worse if you disobey. In previous blog entries, I wrote about uncertainties. It is these uncertainties that drives a person forward. It is true. However, being to certain too does make you move on. Example? If you know that if you do not meet the requirements of these superiors, it is very certain that you will meet your doom - "sign one extra!!"(Extra refers to extra guard duty and your weekends gets burned). Ironic and contradicting.

As the first book out weekend draws nearer, You seem to have more energy and motivation to work harder. However, these extra energy was not put to waste. Training got tougher and I did my first AGR(something group running) on Friday 24th DEC. It was pretty tough. Non-stop running until they are pleased. Right after that, we were sent back to our bunks to do area cleaning. It must be sparkling clean or get F@$#ed!(Sorry, common army word). We did not have time to bathe and we had to fall in in out smelly smart 4 attire. Sweat trickling down our backs while we carried our field pack filled with 2 weeks old of clothings, filled with sweat and blood. Though there was a pain in my back that wouldn't dissappear, there was joy filled in my heart! I finally endured 2 weeks of hell - a major culture shock.

The fast craft was a magical experience. The march to the jetty displayed our hype and energy as we sang the army songs at the top of our vioces. Filled with enthusiasm, filled with tears of joy and victory. Why? Because it is our first time after 2 weeks that we will be stepping on mainland. The fresh air, the beautiful scenary. Even the tress seems beatifl. Well..At least I did feel so. The journey was filled with anticipation. Every recruit had a smile on their face. 'Chit and Chats' were in the air. I t was not noise anymroe, it was music - the sound of joy. As we waited for out bus ride, we fell in and waited. Impatient hearts started to fill the torment. It seems that the only cure would be meeting our love ones as soon as possible. Well - some others used FHMs and MAXIMs as their medicine. I was beaming but inside, desperately looking for the person who was supposed to pick me up. After walking for 'miles', I finally spotted a familiar face. Someone whom I have not seen for ages.The distance grew smaller. Every step I took, the more memories that arise. Every minute - the closer i feel to the person. As soon as I entered the car, I dropped down with a heavy heart, "Mum, I made it!"

I promise. 6:13 PM.


ipromise. iwillbewaiting. tHe pAsT]] [x]September 2004 [x]October 2004 [x]November 2004 [x]December 2004 [x]February 2005 [x]March 2005 [x]April 2005 Music Mimisk8 +____tAg bOx		Monday, February 21, 2005 Tired Before I start going on a crapping frenzy, I would like the wish everyone a very Happy Lunar New Year. Though mine wasn't as fantastic. Kinda of expected anyway. This was because I was rushing for a series of events up ahead. The atmosphere and mood was not there. My mind seems so occupied, however I was unable to identify the problem. Eveything seemed wrong. Every action made. I am really getting very tired. Probably on the verge of heading back to some stupid "hobbies" of the past. I am just so so tired. Work- This stupid new army life is really getting on my nerves. So much to do. It really irritates me when people say that i am leading a really slack army life. They are just so wrong. Lets talk a little about my job. I am currently working under NS call-up section. I have to create nominal roles for 20,000++ people and when they come back for reservist i have to wake up very very early in the morning. The past few days i hardly had 4 hours of sleep. Eg, today i woke up at 340am just to report for work. Nope, i dun get to go home earlier, i have to stay back. When these NSmen leave their ICT(in camp trainings) I once again have to travel back to their camps to out- process them. By then, I would most probably leave for home at around 8pm. Other then my job nature, I have a very "nice" boss. Why? Thats because I have been thrown work last minute. In the end, I have to stay back and "enjoy" the loneliness and isolation in this god forsaken land. Enough of this... I am so tired! Feelings & Relationships- Recently, things haven't been smooth sailing. Other then having a rather healthy with my family, the water around me seems to be cooling. You may think that I am just being really paranoid, but I feel the distance. I tried hard to make things work. I am practically on my knees. However, whatever that has been done isn't enough. I have always wondered, will any/every realtionship last forever? Be it friendship or someting else. Is it very important for one to "renew" their love for each other by telling them how much you love them everyday? Does actions speak louder than words no more? I can really relate to one of Jay Chou's songs - Kai Bu Liao Kou. Have you ever wanted to say something so much but back off in the end for the fear of failure? Well, I have. Thats my weakness. Something which may cost the future dearly. I have been really bothered about this and have been seeking people for help. The throbbing pain in my head makes it worse. However, I still chickened out for the fear of going through the past once more. Perhaps my solution would be feeling in a distance. I'm afraid...so so afraid...I'm tired...so so tired. -I guess the best isn't good enough- PLS give me strength I promise. 4:59 AM. Saturday, February 05, 2005 Army week 2 19th DEC - 24th DEC (Day 9 - Day 14) The 2nd week seem to pass pretty fast. You just have to go through the daily routines. You need not rack your brains and decide what to do or where to go(eg..Should I go Orchard later? Who should I call?). It is all set and placed in front of you. Not much choices i being given to a recruit. Which also means, not much freedom. Every action is already pre-determined. However, the fate of these recruits are not left to the hands of God but rather the hands of our superiors. The constant torture and torment. The ever familiat words of "You are not SHAG!" triggers every other second when you are moaning in pain and feel that you are about to give up. It does help to push you forward for you fear for something much worse if you disobey. In previous blog entries, I wrote about uncertainties. It is these uncertainties that drives a person forward. It is true. However, being to certain too does make you move on. Example? If you know that if you do not meet the requirements of these superiors, it is very certain that you will meet your doom - "sign one extra!!"(Extra refers to extra guard duty and your weekends gets burned). Ironic and contradicting. As the first book out weekend draws nearer, You seem to have more energy and motivation to work harder. However, these extra energy was not put to waste. Training got tougher and I did my first AGR(something group running) on Friday 24th DEC. It was pretty tough. Non-stop running until they are pleased. Right after that, we were sent back to our bunks to do area cleaning. It must be sparkling clean or get F@$#ed!(Sorry, common army word). We did not have time to bathe and we had to fall in in out smelly smart 4 attire. Sweat trickling down our backs while we carried our field pack filled with 2 weeks old of clothings, filled with sweat and blood. Though there was a pain in my back that wouldn't dissappear, there was joy filled in my heart! I finally endured 2 weeks of hell - a major culture shock. The fast craft was a magical experience. The march to the jetty displayed our hype and energy as we sang the army songs at the top of our vioces. Filled with enthusiasm, filled with tears of joy and victory. Why? Because it is our first time after 2 weeks that we will be stepping on mainland. The fresh air, the beautiful scenary. Even the tress seems beatifl. Well..At least I did feel so. The journey was filled with anticipation. Every recruit had a smile on their face. 'Chit and Chats' were in the air. I t was not noise anymroe, it was music - the sound of joy. As we waited for out bus ride, we fell in and waited. Impatient hearts started to fill the torment. It seems that the only cure would be meeting our love ones as soon as possible. Well - some others used FHMs and MAXIMs as their medicine. I was beaming but inside, desperately looking for the person who was supposed to pick me up. After walking for 'miles', I finally spotted a familiar face. Someone whom I have not seen for ages.The distance grew smaller. Every step I took, the more memories that arise. Every minute - the closer i feel to the person. As soon as I entered the car, I dropped down with a heavy heart, "Mum, I made it!" I promise. 6:13 PM.