I promise.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Love - Blessing or Curse?

LOVE
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

Can someone really explain love? Well i can't. I feel that love is something/a feeling so special that it is not explainable. Well...have i experienced love before? Puppy love i guess..something i knew wouldn't last.. I was right, relations were short, feelings are forever....
I feel that love is a relationship and a feeling shared by 2 people. "One-sided" love is more like a liking or a crush. I am surprised by people who says "oh...i am so in love with her.." even though that they haven't even spoken a word before. Perhaps there is nothing wrong saying that if strong bonds of attraction exist. I guess this is when people say " love at first sight. "

I admit that i am pretty much a failure in love. Well... i guess everyone has their fair shares in this matter. And i also admit that i am a late developer. I only started talking to the opposite sex when i was in secondary 2. It is a totally difference experience - i coming from a single-sex school- . I didnt do the usual "crapping" because....i was shy? However, i slowly accepted them in my life. I felt more comfortable(i should right, if not i will be so gay). Suddenly, i felt a specail attration to this particular person..It was probably a crush because she was one of the first girls that talked to me. BUT...she was attached....i told myself " Dun be stupid la..concentrate on studies..." yeah right...Soon.. that girl broke up and she talked to me very often. I didn't know whether i was happy or not. After all she was feeling very sad and down. She got over it quite fast surprisingly (with my help obviously haha..i guess). We got quite close and i was a potential boyfriend material(who am i kdding) according to her. But what happened? Don't ask me. We suddenly stopped talking. Exams i guess. Later i found out that she got attached to someone else again. Attached to another friend and she turn from a nice innocent girl to....whatever. After another failed relationship, she lost trust in the male spieces and turn to... I feel very sad for her. Though she may seem happier now, i know deep down she is still suffering. I try to help but nothing could change the decision she made. Till today it still pains me. Maybe if i continued talking to her and helping her out. She wouldn't turn out this way. Anyway lesbian relationship won't be long term.
After such an experience, i told myself. Since everyone is enjoying themselves now, why don't i play around too? I did. I became a real big flirt. A real dick. Lol. Even my juniors come and ask me for help and to teach them. How bad is that? This is when my social circle swelled up. No matter "Ah Lian","Ah Hwui" i also flirt(but of course they must have some looks also la). I basically form a reputation for myself(and pls i am not trying to be bhb here). Out in the streets i will at least meet someone i know. Be it ij mg crescens. But i was more focus on one school-ij . I had more friends there.(Btw the girls i know are younger then me and now i am forgotten-old news) Come to think about it, i really wonder how i know so many people then..hm..One fine day, i met the person i was looking for. I can still remember very vividly the date and time when i recieved my first sms. Since then i change.
We confessed very shortly. Soon we were in love, or so i thought. I placed much emotion and devotion into this relationship. At that point of time i really thought that this relationship will last forever. The feeling was refreshing. To love and to be loved. The love we share - transendent. How much? " There's beggary in the love that can be reckoned." She was my venus. We faced my tribulations and obstacles due to misunderstandings of people. Though there were many problems that came our way. We fought hard and strong. Alas, our relation was cooling.
I stopped talking to her. I felt hurt and destroyed. I live day by day in agony. A little too dramatic u say, well at least that was how i felt. I told myself to forget her no matter what. I couldn't. One day she messaged me again(feb). Since then our relationship spurred on once again after 1++ months of silence. I won't say what happened la but we walked seperate ways once again. That was a week before my chinese O'levels examination. I had sleepless nights and i couldn't study. Even my mother came to console me. I know that i just can't let her go. I decided to give her time; give myself time. i decided not to talk to her for the next 4 months until her birthday. Even when i stayed over at her house we remained hostile(dont ask me how and how come i still go over and stay...maybe i just miss her haha). I decided to ask her again after 4 months...relations brewed again. Or so i thought. I told myself " strike when the iron is hot". I took my chances but i failed terribly. It was probably the saddest moment of my entire life. I was lucky that my friends came up to me to share my sorrows. Even the "obstacable" finally realised how much i felt for her. At this point of time i realised how important my family is. I felt very close to them. This was a final indication. NO MORE! wrong again... Feelings are still being stirred up again whenever i recieve her msg. I will feel both happy and sad at the same time. I really wish that i was living in a fairytale story where we will live happily ever after. Now only memories are left to stay in my mind. If i have the chance to turn back the hands of time, i will not change anything because as i reminisce the past, though there are many unhappy memories, when i look back on the happy times we spent together, it was all worth it. It has been 3 over years and these feelings remain. First love is always the sweetest. Therefore the hardest to forget. If there is any opening in the future, i daresay that i will not let this chance and opportunity to slip away. Sigh
*(some issues were not mentioned as they can be quite sensitive)
*(Names were remain anonymous to protect the identity of the person)

Well, I do acknowledge the people who like me(lol bhb again) but u people came at the wrong time. I really appreciate the sincerity but i can't accept your wronged love at that point of time. There is also a "what if" in life. Maybe your life will become worse, maybe not. Maybe i will become happier, maybe not. This experience made me realised that i should cherish everyone at hand. I matured more through this as this experience is a lesson on life. I am no longer a flirt =).
I won't be that heartless and forget the people who like me before though. Hope that i can claim my table from ij haha (heard someone wrote my name all over a table and posted my number!). I guess you think i am some hot shit, but i can assure you i am not! I am a sick weakling. You may also think that i am lucky to have others "all over" me. But hold your horses. I tend to attract the wrong crowd too. Yup, people of the same sex.Let me count.......yes ,4. Don't really want to talk about them la. If interested just ask me. Haha. And to this group of people who stumble upon my blog, don't worry.I won't reveal who you are and where you are from.

My love life is filled with ups and downs. I have many other stories like what happened after my relationship. Lol. Will i like someone else? These questions are for me to ponder now. Others will definitely have a chance but am i willing to give myself a chance? It isn't easy forget and it is not right going into a reltionship and thinking of someone else. I will be ready soon. However if she comes back.......nvm.

-A memory that remains-

To be continued...

Pls leave a comment or anything. I just want to keep track on who reads my blog so i know whether some issues are sensitive or not. Thanks.

I promise. 6:03 AM.

Friday, September 17, 2004

I got my handphone!

I finally got my new fone and new number...however i will still be usin my old number..contact me with either number. My new number hav free incoming so u can jus call me if u wanna tok(but i mus also be free la) wan to know my number? jus email me at dr.kopi@gmail.com or ongsong16@hotmail.com .
This msg calls out to all M1 user that knows me..if u wan me to call u frequently or u think i will tok to u alot..email me too and tell me who u are. this is becos i will be having 6 months of free outgoing calls unlimited....onli m1 to m1 users..i left one more space so pls tell me as soon as possible..
after the month of october both of my numbers will combine into one sim card so which ever nu,ber u call u will get me... so ya... this entry is onli abt my fone info...

I promise. 7:19 AM.

Finally

Finally prelims over...sigh...now i am so lost without a sense of direction. Continue to study? No WAY! I am sick and tired already. All this exam shit really drain me out. However i start to continue studyin on monday. The next paper i will be facing would be the A levels... no more jokin around.
I will be gettin a new handphone later today. The feeling is rather bitter-sweet.. parting with my beloved 7250. It is not jus the hundreds of photos i have...it is not jus the 211 different ringtones i hav but rather the msges i have kept for years...for years...those are really memories i fond. Though in the past there were rough times, those happy days jus make up for eveything else...maybe it is abt time i shld let go.. jiu de bu qu xin de bu lai. Anyway i will write down the date and msges in my journal for my safekeep. Anyway i will be retaining my old number and gettin another line..so those who are interested jus email me ongsong16@hotmail.com or jus ask on msn or frenster. i am copyin down all my contacts and i realised i forgotten quite a few people haha. my hand is aching now not just because of copy 4 pages full of contacts but also the history paper i had earlier. I wrote until my skin tore haha 4 essays- 3 hours haha.anyway back to the fone thingy.i think i will be gettin k700i hope its good cos it will last me for quite sometime. not plannin to change anymore fones..or at least till my 2 year plan is up and i know this would require lots of determination.
anyway..i think my blog is crap...the contents aint tat exciting. the best blog i ever read is xiaxue's blog. @ xiaxue.blogspot.com. omg she is so bitchy abt everything that now everything seems so interesting.. somehow i am slowly turnin into a xiaxue addict haha...not in any sick terms of cos..unlike lewis. Anyway i will try to keep up with more interesting topics cos i dun really believe in writing down day events but rather feelings. more excitin haha. tats about it so nite!

I promise. 1:04 AM.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Boey an inspiration?

When i was showering today...i talked to myself....why the hell am i studying literature? It is really stupid. What use would it be in the future? Does studying english make me more sophisticated? I don't think so. However, it dawned upon me that through literature, i can understand people better. I can understand myself better. Omg...am i turning into Boey Kim Cheng? Hope not.
Through the works of Boey, i don't really find him sophisticated but rather irritating. Why does he have to make his life so complicated? Why can't he just live a simple and not seek uncertainty. Ain't life a hassle already? Why bother changing it? Is it really to better himself or hoping that his books become a hot seller and thus, the inflow of cash? Nevertheless, after much analysis, i do find his works interesting. I feel that i can relate to him. I feel that i should follow him and better myself. Leave everything behind and start out on a journey. A journey to seek answers to my life question - Why am i so yandao but so stupid? Just kidding. Boey follows his passion and responses to his calls of duty. Likewise, i should too. However, i hav to find out what my passion is in the first place. In which aspect would i like to better my self in? Studies? Muay Thai? Flirting(ritez...)? Or just being more crappy? I think i should travel to India myself to find spiritual peace and comfort.....OK...i finished showering...time to stop thinking such crap...omg i am getting so retarded.
I watched Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle already..and i think it is the coolest shit ever! Omg they are really lame and retarded. Somehow they remind me of.....me! hm.. After seeing what burgers at white castle can do to Harold, i have no choice but to go to white castle myself. It is my life mission. To have the tastiest burgers in the world! However, i don't wish to encounter that much trouble. But, if i have a choice, i would kill Freakshow and elope with his wife...HOT! Anyway it is really a nice show and i watched it twice...sweeetttta~
(jus to side track abit, just now when i was shitting, i realised that my shit smell like pepperoni pizza! woooooooooot!)
Anyway back to harold and kumar. After watchin the show, i have lost interest in other shows... H&K jus screwed my life man. i cannot enjoy any other show anymore. My life feels so empty. The show also touches on racism...No doubt, i am 100% racist. I discriminate every race..including mine. But now i feel that ABI(american borned indian) Rocks! haha kumaR..I LOVE U! wahahah u are the coolest shit man...the gayest shit too haha. Anyway enuff of that show or i'll really turn bonkers haha....oh man...white castle...*dRooLZ*
haha anyway i think i wrote enough crap for tonite..will think of a better topic the next time i write(dun really like to write daily events..quite boring haha). Btw..people who actually read my blog.. try to leave something at the shoutout box. so at least i know and i wont shit around so much and med..i'm serious hahaha..but it is up to u to believe..hav some confidence =p.cyaz
(will still have my revenge)

I promise. 1:48 AM.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

-Friends-

According to the dictionary friends mean "one attached to another by affection or esteem " and " a favored companion". However,i feel that friends are just known strangers. They do not really care for you. Some may even be out to sabotage you. Why? This is because it is a competitive world we are living in,regardless of whether the social and political system is based on meritocracy or nepotism. Obviously, if one believes in meritocracy,in order to be the best, won't you have to win the rest? Using underhand means if it is a must. For nepotism, history has proven that power struggle within family members do exist. Is the world really peaceful? Do we have real friends? Or is the word "friend" just another word u associate with someone you know? If so, i have many friends, but no true friends. True friends are people that look out for you when you are in trouble. They are willing to sacrifice themselves for you. It is really true that true friends and companions are hard to come by, whereas for me, it is impossible to have one because due to past experiences, i can never trust anyone anymore.
I have always been a very protected child. My parents and brother remain very close to me. If i face any problems, they will be there to lead me out of the wilderness. Such bonds made me come to realise that human beings are such nice creatures filled with care and emotions. Automatically, i had the same thoughts and feelings towards other people i see. Since i came out into the world of people when i entered school, i remember being very excited. Finally the taste of true friendship. I would devote everything in them. I would share my sweets and secrets with them. Always the first to talk to them and play with them. Until one "fine" day, some friends started to lie to me and made false complains to teachers, i realised that the world is vicious. Another incident i remember was when i saw friends exchanging forbidden items during my primary school days. When the discs got confiscated they suspected me and forced me to pay up. That was because i was a prefect, people tend to judge u quickly. The years of friendship we shared just vanish within seconds due to misunderstanding. Since there was a lack of trust and understanding, can i really call this a "friendship". Being young and naive i thought this would not happen again. Afterall friends quarrelling is unavoidable. i remained loyal and close to other people that come my way. This was something i regretted.
Back in secondary school, i once again met people i thought i could trust. Whenever they call me out, i would be there. But once they meet their Gfs or whatever, they just throw me aside like a tire. When i really thought i could make some good friends, they get posted to other classes and that made relations cool. Therefore i've never made many good friends in secondary school, but rather good backstabbers. However i did make 1 or 2 from my CCA. However they did give me a hard time too..RIGHT SAM? haha.(That is another story for another time). I had given up on friends already. It's really sad because i look at my father mother and brother, they have friends that are as thick as blood. Is this jealousy i see?
Finally in junior college, i thought things took a turn for the better. I knew no one in SAJC, but every soon friendly people started coming over to introduce themselves. At that moment i told myself,"i think i am gonna like it here." How wrong. I feel that the relationship i share with my friends is like the opposite of others. Rather then the relation getting warmer, it gets colder. Its like a fruit slowly rotting. No matter how to try to save the fruit, time kills it slowly. It's not nice to pinpoint people at this time. No one is to be blamed for their personality. If i can't get any true friends, i'll live with it. At least i have a family that cares and a heart without guilt.
A simple msg for those people out there..cherish your friends cos they are really important and if u do backstab, they are just not worth it. Just watch your back and treat yourself with caution. You'll never want to be in the position i'm in. And lastly, never take things for granted.
(btw med..thanks for the help and others who still regard me as a close friend, u'll never be forgotten...i promise)

I promise. 10:09 PM.


ipromise. iwillbewaiting. tHe pAsT]] [x]September 2004 [x]October 2004 [x]November 2004 [x]December 2004 [x]February 2005 [x]March 2005 [x]April 2005 Music Mimisk8 +____tAg bOx		Wednesday, September 29, 2004 Love - Blessing or Curse? LOVE (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests Can someone really explain love? Well i can't. I feel that love is something/a feeling so special that it is not explainable. Well...have i experienced love before? Puppy love i guess..something i knew wouldn't last.. I was right, relations were short, feelings are forever.... I feel that love is a relationship and a feeling shared by 2 people. "One-sided" love is more like a liking or a crush. I am surprised by people who says "oh...i am so in love with her.." even though that they haven't even spoken a word before. Perhaps there is nothing wrong saying that if strong bonds of attraction exist. I guess this is when people say " love at first sight. " I admit that i am pretty much a failure in love. Well... i guess everyone has their fair shares in this matter. And i also admit that i am a late developer. I only started talking to the opposite sex when i was in secondary 2. It is a totally difference experience - i coming from a single-sex school- . I didnt do the usual "crapping" because....i was shy? However, i slowly accepted them in my life. I felt more comfortable(i should right, if not i will be so gay). Suddenly, i felt a specail attration to this particular person..It was probably a crush because she was one of the first girls that talked to me. BUT...she was attached....i told myself " Dun be stupid la..concentrate on studies..." yeah right...Soon.. that girl broke up and she talked to me very often. I didn't know whether i was happy or not. After all she was feeling very sad and down. She got over it quite fast surprisingly (with my help obviously haha..i guess). We got quite close and i was a potential boyfriend material(who am i kdding) according to her. But what happened? Don't ask me. We suddenly stopped talking. Exams i guess. Later i found out that she got attached to someone else again. Attached to another friend and she turn from a nice innocent girl to....whatever. After another failed relationship, she lost trust in the male spieces and turn to... I feel very sad for her. Though she may seem happier now, i know deep down she is still suffering. I try to help but nothing could change the decision she made. Till today it still pains me. Maybe if i continued talking to her and helping her out. She wouldn't turn out this way. Anyway lesbian relationship won't be long term. After such an experience, i told myself. Since everyone is enjoying themselves now, why don't i play around too? I did. I became a real big flirt. A real dick. Lol. Even my juniors come and ask me for help and to teach them. How bad is that? This is when my social circle swelled up. No matter "Ah Lian","Ah Hwui" i also flirt(but of course they must have some looks also la). I basically form a reputation for myself(and pls i am not trying to be bhb here). Out in the streets i will at least meet someone i know. Be it ij mg crescens. But i was more focus on one school-ij . I had more friends there.(Btw the girls i know are younger then me and now i am forgotten-old news) Come to think about it, i really wonder how i know so many people then..hm..One fine day, i met the person i was looking for. I can still remember very vividly the date and time when i recieved my first sms. Since then i change. We confessed very shortly. Soon we were in love, or so i thought. I placed much emotion and devotion into this relationship. At that point of time i really thought that this relationship will last forever. The feeling was refreshing. To love and to be loved. The love we share - transendent. How much? " There's beggary in the love that can be reckoned." She was my venus. We faced my tribulations and obstacles due to misunderstandings of people. Though there were many problems that came our way. We fought hard and strong. Alas, our relation was cooling. I stopped talking to her. I felt hurt and destroyed. I live day by day in agony. A little too dramatic u say, well at least that was how i felt. I told myself to forget her no matter what. I couldn't. One day she messaged me again(feb). Since then our relationship spurred on once again after 1++ months of silence. I won't say what happened la but we walked seperate ways once again. That was a week before my chinese O'levels examination. I had sleepless nights and i couldn't study. Even my mother came to console me. I know that i just can't let her go. I decided to give her time; give myself time. i decided not to talk to her for the next 4 months until her birthday. Even when i stayed over at her house we remained hostile(dont ask me how and how come i still go over and stay...maybe i just miss her haha). I decided to ask her again after 4 months...relations brewed again. Or so i thought. I told myself " strike when the iron is hot". I took my chances but i failed terribly. It was probably the saddest moment of my entire life. I was lucky that my friends came up to me to share my sorrows. Even the "obstacable" finally realised how much i felt for her. At this point of time i realised how important my family is. I felt very close to them. This was a final indication. NO MORE! wrong again... Feelings are still being stirred up again whenever i recieve her msg. I will feel both happy and sad at the same time. I really wish that i was living in a fairytale story where we will live happily ever after. Now only memories are left to stay in my mind. If i have the chance to turn back the hands of time, i will not change anything because as i reminisce the past, though there are many unhappy memories, when i look back on the happy times we spent together, it was all worth it. It has been 3 over years and these feelings remain. First love is always the sweetest. Therefore the hardest to forget. If there is any opening in the future, i daresay that i will not let this chance and opportunity to slip away. Sigh (some issues were not mentioned as they can be quite sensitive) (Names were remain anonymous to protect the identity of the person) Well, I do acknowledge the people who like me(lol bhb again) but u people came at the wrong time. I really appreciate the sincerity but i can't accept your wronged love at that point of time. There is also a "what if" in life. Maybe your life will become worse, maybe not. Maybe i will become happier, maybe not. This experience made me realised that i should cherish everyone at hand. I matured more through this as this experience is a lesson on life. I am no longer a flirt =). I won't be that heartless and forget the people who like me before though. Hope that i can claim my table from ij haha (heard someone wrote my name all over a table and posted my number!). I guess you think i am some hot shit, but i can assure you i am not! I am a sick weakling. You may also think that i am lucky to have others "all over" me. But hold your horses. I tend to attract the wrong crowd too. Yup, people of the same sex.Let me count.......yes ,4. Don't really want to talk about them la. If interested just ask me. Haha. And to this group of people who stumble upon my blog, don't worry.I won't reveal who you are and where you are from. My love life is filled with ups and downs. I have many other stories like what happened after my relationship. Lol. Will i like someone else? These questions are for me to ponder now. Others will definitely have a chance but am i willing to give myself a chance? It isn't easy forget and it is not right going into a reltionship and thinking of someone else. I will be ready soon. However if she comes back.......nvm. -A memory that remains- To be continued... Pls leave a comment or anything. I just want to keep track on who reads my blog so i know whether some issues are sensitive or not. Thanks. I promise. 6:03 AM. Friday, September 17, 2004 I got my handphone! I finally got my new fone and new number...however i will still be usin my old number..contact me with either number. My new number hav free incoming so u can jus call me if u wanna tok(but i mus also be free la) wan to know my number? jus email me at dr.kopi@gmail.com or ongsong16@hotmail.com . This msg calls out to all M1 user that knows me..if u wan me to call u frequently or u think i will tok to u alot..email me too and tell me who u are. this is becos i will be having 6 months of free outgoing calls unlimited....onli m1 to m1 users..i left one more space so pls tell me as soon as possible.. after the month of october both of my numbers will combine into one sim card so which ever nu,ber u call u will get me... so ya... this entry is onli abt my fone info... I promise. 7:19 AM. Finally Finally prelims over...sigh...now i am so lost without a sense of direction. Continue to study? No WAY! I am sick and tired already. All this exam shit really drain me out. However i start to continue studyin on monday. The next paper i will be facing would be the A levels... no more jokin around. I will be gettin a new handphone later today. The feeling is rather bitter-sweet.. parting with my beloved 7250. It is not jus the hundreds of photos i have...it is not jus the 211 different ringtones i hav but rather the msges i have kept for years...for years...those are really memories i fond. Though in the past there were rough times, those happy days jus make up for eveything else...maybe it is abt time i shld let go.. jiu de bu qu xin de bu lai. Anyway i will write down the date and msges in my journal for my safekeep. Anyway i will be retaining my old number and gettin another line..so those who are interested jus email me ongsong16@hotmail.com or jus ask on msn or frenster. i am copyin down all my contacts and i realised i forgotten quite a few people haha. my hand is aching now not just because of copy 4 pages full of contacts but also the history paper i had earlier. I wrote until my skin tore haha 4 essays- 3 hours haha.anyway back to the fone thingy.i think i will be gettin k700i hope its good cos it will last me for quite sometime. not plannin to change anymore fones..or at least till my 2 year plan is up and i know this would require lots of determination. anyway..i think my blog is crap...the contents aint tat exciting. the best blog i ever read is xiaxue's blog. @ xiaxue.blogspot.com. omg she is so bitchy abt everything that now everything seems so interesting.. somehow i am slowly turnin into a xiaxue addict haha...not in any sick terms of cos..unlike lewis. Anyway i will try to keep up with more interesting topics cos i dun really believe in writing down day events but rather feelings. more excitin haha. tats about it so nite! I promise. 1:04 AM. Sunday, September 12, 2004 Boey an inspiration? When i was showering today...i talked to myself....why the hell am i studying literature? It is really stupid. What use would it be in the future? Does studying english make me more sophisticated? I don't think so. However, it dawned upon me that through literature, i can understand people better. I can understand myself better. Omg...am i turning into Boey Kim Cheng? Hope not. Through the works of Boey, i don't really find him sophisticated but rather irritating. Why does he have to make his life so complicated? Why can't he just live a simple and not seek uncertainty. Ain't life a hassle already? Why bother changing it? Is it really to better himself or hoping that his books become a hot seller and thus, the inflow of cash? Nevertheless, after much analysis, i do find his works interesting. I feel that i can relate to him. I feel that i should follow him and better myself. Leave everything behind and start out on a journey. A journey to seek answers to my life question - Why am i so yandao but so stupid? Just kidding. Boey follows his passion and responses to his calls of duty. Likewise, i should too. However, i hav to find out what my passion is in the first place. In which aspect would i like to better my self in? Studies? Muay Thai? Flirting(ritez...)? Or just being more crappy? I think i should travel to India myself to find spiritual peace and comfort.....OK...i finished showering...time to stop thinking such crap...omg i am getting so retarded. I watched Harold and Kumar Goes to White Castle already..and i think it is the coolest shit ever! Omg they are really lame and retarded. Somehow they remind me of.....me! hm.. After seeing what burgers at white castle can do to Harold, i have no choice but to go to white castle myself. It is my life mission. To have the tastiest burgers in the world! However, i don't wish to encounter that much trouble. But, if i have a choice, i would kill Freakshow and elope with his wife...HOT! Anyway it is really a nice show and i watched it twice...sweeetttta~ (jus to side track abit, just now when i was shitting, i realised that my shit smell like pepperoni pizza! woooooooooot!) Anyway back to harold and kumar. After watchin the show, i have lost interest in other shows... H&K jus screwed my life man. i cannot enjoy any other show anymore. My life feels so empty. The show also touches on racism...No doubt, i am 100% racist. I discriminate every race..including mine. But now i feel that ABI(american borned indian) Rocks! haha kumaR..I LOVE U! wahahah u are the coolest shit man...the gayest shit too haha. Anyway enuff of that show or i'll really turn bonkers haha....oh man...white castle...dRooLZ haha anyway i think i wrote enough crap for tonite..will think of a better topic the next time i write(dun really like to write daily events..quite boring haha). Btw..people who actually read my blog.. try to leave something at the shoutout box. so at least i know and i wont shit around so much and med..i'm serious hahaha..but it is up to u to believe..hav some confidence =p.cyaz (will still have my revenge) I promise. 1:48 AM. Tuesday, September 07, 2004 -Friends- According to the dictionary friends mean "one attached to another by affection or esteem " and " a favored companion". However,i feel that friends are just known strangers. They do not really care for you. Some may even be out to sabotage you. Why? This is because it is a competitive world we are living in,regardless of whether the social and political system is based on meritocracy or nepotism. Obviously, if one believes in meritocracy,in order to be the best, won't you have to win the rest? Using underhand means if it is a must. For nepotism, history has proven that power struggle within family members do exist. Is the world really peaceful? Do we have real friends? Or is the word "friend" just another word u associate with someone you know? If so, i have many friends, but no true friends. True friends are people that look out for you when you are in trouble. They are willing to sacrifice themselves for you. It is really true that true friends and companions are hard to come by, whereas for me, it is impossible to have one because due to past experiences, i can never trust anyone anymore. I have always been a very protected child. My parents and brother remain very close to me. If i face any problems, they will be there to lead me out of the wilderness. Such bonds made me come to realise that human beings are such nice creatures filled with care and emotions. Automatically, i had the same thoughts and feelings towards other people i see. Since i came out into the world of people when i entered school, i remember being very excited. Finally the taste of true friendship. I would devote everything in them. I would share my sweets and secrets with them. Always the first to talk to them and play with them. Until one "fine" day, some friends started to lie to me and made false complains to teachers, i realised that the world is vicious. Another incident i remember was when i saw friends exchanging forbidden items during my primary school days. When the discs got confiscated they suspected me and forced me to pay up. That was because i was a prefect, people tend to judge u quickly. The years of friendship we shared just vanish within seconds due to misunderstanding. Since there was a lack of trust and understanding, can i really call this a "friendship". Being young and naive i thought this would not happen again. Afterall friends quarrelling is unavoidable. i remained loyal and close to other people that come my way. This was something i regretted. Back in secondary school, i once again met people i thought i could trust. Whenever they call me out, i would be there. But once they meet their Gfs or whatever, they just throw me aside like a tire. When i really thought i could make some good friends, they get posted to other classes and that made relations cool. Therefore i've never made many good friends in secondary school, but rather good backstabbers. However i did make 1 or 2 from my CCA. However they did give me a hard time too..RIGHT SAM? haha.(That is another story for another time). I had given up on friends already. It's really sad because i look at my father mother and brother, they have friends that are as thick as blood. Is this jealousy i see? Finally in junior college, i thought things took a turn for the better. I knew no one in SAJC, but every soon friendly people started coming over to introduce themselves. At that moment i told myself,"i think i am gonna like it here." How wrong. I feel that the relationship i share with my friends is like the opposite of others. Rather then the relation getting warmer, it gets colder. Its like a fruit slowly rotting. No matter how to try to save the fruit, time kills it slowly. It's not nice to pinpoint people at this time. No one is to be blamed for their personality. If i can't get any true friends, i'll live with it. At least i have a family that cares and a heart without guilt. A simple msg for those people out there..cherish your friends cos they are really important and if u do backstab, they are just not worth it. Just watch your back and treat yourself with caution. You'll never want to be in the position i'm in. And lastly, never take things for granted. (btw med..thanks for the help and others who still regard me as a close friend, u'll never be forgotten...i promise) I promise. 10:09 PM.