ipromise.
iwillbewaiting.

Love - Blessing or Curse?



LOVE
(1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

Can someone really explain love? Well i can't. I feel that love is something/a feeling so special that it is not explainable. Well...have i experienced love before? Puppy love i guess..something i knew wouldn't last.. I was right, relations were short, feelings are forever....
I feel that love is a relationship and a feeling shared by 2 people. "One-sided" love is more like a liking or a crush. I am surprised by people who says "oh...i am so in love with her.." even though that they haven't even spoken a word before. Perhaps there is nothing wrong saying that if strong bonds of attraction exist. I guess this is when people say " love at first sight. "

I admit that i am pretty much a failure in love. Well... i guess everyone has their fair shares in this matter. And i also admit that i am a late developer. I only started talking to the opposite sex when i was in secondary 2. It is a totally difference experience - i coming from a single-sex school- . I didnt do the usual "crapping" because....i was shy? However, i slowly accepted them in my life. I felt more comfortable(i should right, if not i will be so gay). Suddenly, i felt a specail attration to this particular person..It was probably a crush because she was one of the first girls that talked to me. BUT...she was attached....i told myself " Dun be stupid la..concentrate on studies..." yeah right...Soon.. that girl broke up and she talked to me very often. I didn't know whether i was happy or not. After all she was feeling very sad and down. She got over it quite fast surprisingly (with my help obviously haha..i guess). We got quite close and i was a potential boyfriend material(who am i kdding) according to her. But what happened? Don't ask me. We suddenly stopped talking. Exams i guess. Later i found out that she got attached to someone else again. Attached to another friend and she turn from a nice innocent girl to....whatever. After another failed relationship, she lost trust in the male spieces and turn to... I feel very sad for her. Though she may seem happier now, i know deep down she is still suffering. I try to help but nothing could change the decision she made. Till today it still pains me. Maybe if i continued talking to her and helping her out. She wouldn't turn out this way. Anyway lesbian relationship won't be long term.
After such an experience, i told myself. Since everyone is enjoying themselves now, why don't i play around too? I did. I became a real big flirt. A real dick. Lol. Even my juniors come and ask me for help and to teach them. How bad is that? This is when my social circle swelled up. No matter "Ah Lian","Ah Hwui" i also flirt(but of course they must have some looks also la). I basically form a reputation for myself(and pls i am not trying to be bhb here). Out in the streets i will at least meet someone i know. Be it ij mg crescens. But i was more focus on one school-ij . I had more friends there.(Btw the girls i know are younger then me and now i am forgotten-old news) Come to think about it, i really wonder how i know so many people then..hm..One fine day, i met the person i was looking for. I can still remember very vividly the date and time when i recieved my first sms. Since then i change.
We confessed very shortly. Soon we were in love, or so i thought. I placed much emotion and devotion into this relationship. At that point of time i really thought that this relationship will last forever. The feeling was refreshing. To love and to be loved. The love we share - transendent. How much? " There's beggary in the love that can be reckoned." She was my venus. We faced my tribulations and obstacles due to misunderstandings of people. Though there were many problems that came our way. We fought hard and strong. Alas, our relation was cooling.
I stopped talking to her. I felt hurt and destroyed. I live day by day in agony. A little too dramatic u say, well at least that was how i felt. I told myself to forget her no matter what. I couldn't. One day she messaged me again(feb). Since then our relationship spurred on once again after 1++ months of silence. I won't say what happened la but we walked seperate ways once again. That was a week before my chinese O'levels examination. I had sleepless nights and i couldn't study. Even my mother came to console me. I know that i just can't let her go. I decided to give her time; give myself time. i decided not to talk to her for the next 4 months until her birthday. Even when i stayed over at her house we remained hostile(dont ask me how and how come i still go over and stay...maybe i just miss her haha). I decided to ask her again after 4 months...relations brewed again. Or so i thought. I told myself " strike when the iron is hot". I took my chances but i failed terribly. It was probably the saddest moment of my entire life. I was lucky that my friends came up to me to share my sorrows. Even the "obstacable" finally realised how much i felt for her. At this point of time i realised how important my family is. I felt very close to them. This was a final indication. NO MORE! wrong again... Feelings are still being stirred up again whenever i recieve her msg. I will feel both happy and sad at the same time. I really wish that i was living in a fairytale story where we will live happily ever after. Now only memories are left to stay in my mind. If i have the chance to turn back the hands of time, i will not change anything because as i reminisce the past, though there are many unhappy memories, when i look back on the happy times we spent together, it was all worth it. It has been 3 over years and these feelings remain. First love is always the sweetest. Therefore the hardest to forget. If there is any opening in the future, i daresay that i will not let this chance and opportunity to slip away. Sigh
*(some issues were not mentioned as they can be quite sensitive)
*(Names were remain anonymous to protect the identity of the person)

Well, I do acknowledge the people who like me(lol bhb again) but u people came at the wrong time. I really appreciate the sincerity but i can't accept your wronged love at that point of time. There is also a "what if" in life. Maybe your life will become worse, maybe not. Maybe i will become happier, maybe not. This experience made me realised that i should cherish everyone at hand. I matured more through this as this experience is a lesson on life. I am no longer a flirt =).
I won't be that heartless and forget the people who like me before though. Hope that i can claim my table from ij haha (heard someone wrote my name all over a table and posted my number!). I guess you think i am some hot shit, but i can assure you i am not! I am a sick weakling. You may also think that i am lucky to have others "all over" me. But hold your horses. I tend to attract the wrong crowd too. Yup, people of the same sex.Let me count.......yes ,4. Don't really want to talk about them la. If interested just ask me. Haha. And to this group of people who stumble upon my blog, don't worry.I won't reveal who you are and where you are from.

My love life is filled with ups and downs. I have many other stories like what happened after my relationship. Lol. Will i like someone else? These questions are for me to ponder now. Others will definitely have a chance but am i willing to give myself a chance? It isn't easy forget and it is not right going into a reltionship and thinking of someone else. I will be ready soon. However if she comes back.......nvm.

-A memory that remains-

To be continued...

Pls leave a comment or anything. I just want to keep track on who reads my blog so i know whether some issues are sensitive or not. Thanks.

I promise. 6:03 AM.

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